As Long As I can Be Here With You
by GabrieltheTrickster
Summary: Prequel to "Apart for now, Together Forever". James tells Katie what really happened the night he died. Strongly suggest reading the other story first so you dont get lost. Rated T for suicide


**Author's Note: **This is a prequel to my story, "Apart for now, Together Forever". This is James' story. How did someone so young and so talented meet such a tragic fate? Read and you shall learn. I do recommend reading the other story first so you know what I'm talking about.

**Warning: **first person narrative, graphic details and a small amount of Jatie.

**Disclaimer:** I am not Scott Fellows, and therefore I do not own the epicness that is Big Time Rush

It's hard to believe how quickly time can pass when you're dead. I've been floating around for over five years now. I can't help but feel alone now. "Maybe I'll go to the wedding." I unfurl my large snow white wings from my back and drift down to the mortal realm.

This is perhaps the sweetest thing I'm ever going to see. Logan and Carlos have loved each other for so long; it's nice to see them finally do something about it. Especially after the crash. If it hadn't been for my vigilance, they all would've died.

As the ceremony ended, I couldn't help but sigh softly. I floated over to where Carlos and Logan stood and rested my hands on their shoulders. I could feel them both shudder under my touch as I gave them my eternal blessing.

It felt too soon for me to leave them, but I knew I had to return to my new home. Once again, my wings unfurled behind me and I took to the sky.

I didn't even know how long I had been drifting through the skies. Time meant nothing to the angels, and I wasn't about to start caring. I looked down into LA and watched as people hurried from place to place, never stopping.

I floated over my old home, the Palmwoods. I looked at all the kids who had moved in. All the old kids were gone. Camille roomed with Logan and had a few movie and television roles under her belt, Guitar Dude had finally gone on tour and the Jennifer clan had all gotten jobs as models.

Now ten years after the guys and I had left, there was a swarm of new faces trying to become famous. There were still two very familiar faces, however. Tyler still lived there, but by now he had starred in a few TV shows. The only other familiar face he saw was Mr. Bitters, the mean manager of the Palmwoods.

I sighed and drifted off again, not paying attention to where my wings took me. Before I knew it I was sitting outside of our house. Well, her house now. I drifted to the window. I looked in and saw her on the bed, alone.

I phased through the window and joined her on the large empty bed. "It's alright, Katie. I promise that I'm safe and that I'm always going to be watching over you." I placed my shimmering arm over her small frame as I heard her gasp.

She rolled over, looking directly into my eyes, invisible to her. "Jamie? Are you there? James?" She called out. I fought back the urge to show myself to her. It was so hard for me to see her in so much pain. When she received no answer, she sobbed softly.

I lay on the bed next to her broken form, my own golden tears filling my eyes. I sighed deeply. I knew it shouldn't be done. Everything was saying no but I had to let Katie Knight know I was still looking out for her.

I drifted so I was face to face with her and thought about becoming fully solid. I looked at my form and saw it shimmer as I fully entered the mortal realm. "Katie, Katie baby. I'm right here. Just open your eyes."

I saw her stop for a moment as she thought about what my voice had said. She slowly moved her delicate hands from her feminine face and I saw her eyes look right into mine.

She slammed her eyes closed and I heard her count to three. She looked again. "No. James died. James isn't here. You're not my Jamie!"She shrieked.

I took a step towards her. The movements made my wings ruffle slightly behind me and I reached a golden hand to her. "It's really me, Katie-Kat. I'm not supposed to let you see me, but I had to let you know I still love you, even as an angel."

I watched Katie's reaction carefully, taking in every muscle twitch, every eye movement and every time she bit her lip. "Please be honest. Are you really my James or are you a dream?" I smiled at the precious brunette.

"I truly to God am your James. When Kendall and I use to play hockey and we said you couldn't because you were a girl you would sit there and hold your breath until Kendall gave in. Your first crush was Kyle at the Palmwoods, you tricked Mr. Bitters into letting you hit him with water balloons and you won first place in your elementary school talent show for doing gymnastics." I said to her.

Katie stared at me before launching her petite frame into my waiting arms. I pressed her to my bare chest as she cried into my perfectly tan skin.

She pulled back slightly. "Jamie how did you die? They never told me. They said heart attack, but I know you. How did you leave me?"

I looked into my girlfriends' large brown puppy dog eyes. I could feel tears forming in my own eyes. "I…please don't make me tell you, babe. It…it was terrifying and I don't think you should hear it."

Katie's eyes focused on mine and I immediately melted away. "Fine. I'll tell you. But you can't say anything and I'm sorry if you get nightmares…but I will be here the whole time."

Katie sat on my lap and nuzzled my neck. I took a deep shaky breath as I told her how I really died.

"Five years ago was when I died. And it wasn't a heart attack. Katie, I committed suicide. I took untraceable drugs so that they wouldn't know." I looked into her eyes and saw so many emotions.

They ranged from pain to anger to concern. "J…James, why didn't you talk to me? Why didn't you say anything?"

I hung my head. "I was embarrassed. I didn't want to ask for help because I thought I could get over my anxiety alone. I didn't want to feel weak." I felt Katie's arms wrap around me. I was immediately comforted by her warm, mortal touch.

"Please, let me tell you the whole story. I owe you the honest truth about how and why I committed suicide." I gently shrugged her off and took a shaky breath. My eyes shimmered with unseen tears.

"We had just finished shooting my new commercial for my favorite Cuda product and I felt like I was on top of the world. I felt like I was the most popular guy in the world."

"Then I looked around me and I realized I didn't know anybody around me. You were here, Kendall and Carlos were in Minnesota and Logan was off being the youngest doctor in history and I had no one."

"I felt so alone and then I began thinking about everyone I've ever lost. My father who died three years before me, my grandparents, all my friends, and most importantly you. It suddenly hit me that every single person I held so close was gone and I really was alone."

"So I called a few people and managed to score biodegradable cyanide pills. I just thought…I thought I could never be happy again. So I locked myself in my trailer and said goodbye to everyone I had lost. Every name I said equaled another pill in my mouth."

"You were the last person I wished the best on. I swore to myself as I took the last pill that I would become you're guardian angel. And I haven't lived up to that promise. Please, tell me you forgive me?"

I looked into her brown eyes and all I could see was pain. I bit my lower lip and closed my eyes. "Jamie, I could never be mad at you, but what you did was stupid. You know I love you and that I'd never leave you, no matter what."

I smiled softly at my petite girlfriend. "So, does that mean you don't hate me? Because I'm not allowed through the Golden Gates without properly atoning for all my wrongs, and that means either apologizing to everyone or doing a good deed for them. The only one I have left is my mother."

Katie smiled and hugged me tighter, squeezing my wings against my back painfully. "Uhh, Katie, do you mind not squishing the wings? I like them." My response elicited a few giggles and she loosened her grip.

"They suit you, James. And I forgive you. I'm just glad you're safe and happy."

I smiled at her. "I'm glad you're safe. And I don't care if I ever go to the Other World. I'm fine right here, right now, with you."

**A/N: **And the ending totally sucks, as does the rest of this story. Sorry for the wait, number one. Second, sorry if it seems really rushed. I wanted to finish something that's been sitting here forever, and the final chapter to Big Time Secrets is nowhere close to being finished. I still have to write an entire wedding and reception. So yeah. Please feel free to rip me apart on this one.


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